Sheet Rock Dust & Puppy Breath

 Just found this old blog post that I'd never gotten around to posting. This was written over a year ago in 2014!   Normally, I'd just delete it, but although the information is outdated, the message is timeless.  GOD knew I needed to hear it today and hopefully there is someone else out there who may need to hear it as well.  So, here it goes:

I love it when the Holy Spirit opens our eyes to something that we didn't realize about ourselves.   This morning, I'm walking around an hour after I woke up wondering why I'm still in pain.   I have autoimmune issues, one of which is RA.  For some, it makes our joints get really stiff & painful anytime you are still, which is why it's hard to take long trips in a car or sleep all night long.   I don't talk about things like this much, so listen up.  LOL    I felt led to share what I learned about myself this morning & maybe God is talking to you too.    Anyway...back to my story...

Usually, when I wake up, I have to take a pain pill immediately.  Then I try to get up & stretch a little.  No matter what I do in the morning, it takes a good 20-30 minutes before I'm out of pain enough to get rolling along.  So.... this morning I was still in pain after an hour!  Things begin running through my head that could be causing my pain to persist......is a cold front moving through? what did I do yesterday that would have aggravated my joints?   As I mentally clicked possible reasons off of the list that was internally playing in my head, I realized that none of those applied.  Which usually is NOT good news.  Because sometimes it means the last thing on my list:  Am I getting ready for a flare?    For the uninitiated folks to autoimmune disease, a "flare" is a period of time during which your disease comes out of remission and begins exhibiting symptoms, despite your medication regime or treatment plan.    Well, as I was thinking & walking, I happen to glance down & see my pain pill on the floor next to my bed.  Yes, the very same pill that I thought I'd taken an hour ago.     This illustrated to me a truth about myself that I needed to hear today.   Sometimes we go along "wallowing" in pain (emotional or physical) without doing anything constructive toward releasing ourselves from that pain.  

You see, I've been wallowing lately.   A lot.    Currently I have very unsuccessfully been dodging the emotional pain of dealing with 2 of my 3 sons moving hundreds of miles away to different states.  Add that to the fact that I had to retire at the beginning of the year so I have all this time on my hands now. I feel like I'm walking around with a hole in my heart.   I knew this day was coming.  Or, at least, for one of them I did.  My youngest son, a 2nd Lt. in the USAF went to college on a military academic scholarship. I knew it was his dream to become a pilot someday.  I also knew that, as nice as it was to get a free LSU Engineering Degree,  the time would come that he would have to pay the piper.    Thank goodness it's something he's well suited for and that fits the desires of his heart.   The 5 years of his undergraduate degree should have fully prepared me for D-Day (aka Departure Day), but it was still painful as his momma to see my children move away.   Throw in with that my middle son's sudden departure immediately after graduating with his Master's Degree in Social Work from LSU.   I always knew there was a possibility that he'd move away.   What I didn't know was that it would be so soon.  He was keeping his options open and it just so happened a door opened in Chicago, IL.    Again, I'm so happy for both of them to become who they wanted to become when they grew up.   That being said, as any nurturing mother will tell you, it's just plain old sad to see them leave.   Especially when we know it's likely to be a permanent thing.       I did what I call my "World Mom-ination Tour" this past summer.   Six weeks out from back surgery, I got on a plane to Chicago & spent a week with Son #2.   I spent most of the time trying to figure out how to get from point A to point B in the Windy City.  Very little time sight seeing and not a lot of one-on-one time with him, but it was still wonderful just to see his face every day. Plus I got to spend time with my granddog, Opie at Chicago's Dog Beach..that's right a beach just for dogs!! Remind me why don't we have those down here in the south??   Anyway... I digress...

   I then flew directly from  Chicago  to Oklahoma to spend a week with Son #3.   He is in a very rigorous, time demanding, flight school so I spent most of my time enjoying the solitude of the beautiful place where he lives. Also, cooking some great wintertime soups & meals that I froze for him to have.  I also spent a lot of time on the ground trying to pick out which plane he was flying overhead.  I was grateful just to be in the same house as him for several days and the tiny bit of time we had was so precious to me.  

  It gave me satisfaction and peace beyond description to spend time with them both.   I'm currently saving for my next tour.    That being said, I'm so thankful for my oldest son, my beautiful DIL and my two grandsons who live five minutes from me.    Although they lived in an adjoining state previously, I think I always knew in my heart that they'd eventually come home.   Justin has always been a Louisiana country boy at heart.  He loves the south, the outdoors, and family.  I honestly think we'd be packing our bags to find somewhere else to move if they weren't here.  But back to my story.....

Lately, I've been filling my time with chaos. Just anything to take my mind off the emptiness and pain inside.  I'm keeping my self busy so I DON'T have to deal with it.   Oh, you know, little things like tearing walls out of my house or having puppies.  LOL   My husband finally jumped into that kitchen renovation that he's been promising me for the past 6 years, so every crack & crevice in my house is currently filled with sheet rock dust AND my precious Harley, the super wiener dog, just gave birth to 3 precious puppies in an emergency C-Section!  Like I said, chaos!  But more about both of those huge things in my life later....  

My precious Beau, Breesie-Pey & Jax!

For now, I just know that God is telling me to lean into Him.   He and I will figure out together what I can fill this hole in my heart up with, as well as the extra time I have.  I'm sure it'll be something that will be challenging, hopefully help animals and people alike, and be satisfying.   Most of all, I hope it glorifies Him.   For now, I'm gonna just sustain myself on puppy breath and schedule that long overdue eye doctor appointment so I can actually SEE a pill if I drop it on the floor!  

Take good care,

Cindy 

The Road Less Traveled

When Frost penned the words to his famous poem, I'm certain the "road less traveled" wasn't the context in which I write today.  That being said, I think the less traveled road can mean many things to many people.   I recently had an epiphany about a very important part of my life: that of being a mom.   Like many women, being a mother is THE most important part of my life.  It's the job I've worked harder at than any other.  It's also the job that I've probably screwed up the most.   Even so, at the end of my life,  at the very least, I hope my sons look back and realize that they were cherished.   I hope they realize that, although imperfect, my job as their momma was THE most precious thing to me.   Each of our children come with their own set of struggles and challenges.   Some more than others.    Out of my 3 sons, my middle son, Garrett, probably had the most uphill climb on his way from childhood to adulthood.   It just seems like he always had a roadblock in so many areas of his life.   Even so, from childhood epilepsy to dyslexia, he always seemed to rise above and find his way through it.    But it wasn't until adulthood that he finally faced down one of his biggest challenges in his life.   Garrett is a gay man.    I won't go into his story in detail.  That is HIS story to tell, not mine.  But as his mother, I'd like to share some of the things I learned about being his mom.    I won't pretend that it was an easy thing to process.   As parents, we tend to picture our children having a traditional adult life, including a spouse (generally someone of the opposite sex) and 2.5 children.   It wasn't until last weekend that I realized that I have not only processed Garrett's life, but have FULLY embraced it.     

We were attending an out of town wedding with Garrett and one of his best friends, Lauren.    On the way home from the wedding we were discussing marriage.  Garrett made a comment that struck me.   He said "I wish I weren't gay."    I'd actually heard him say this before, but not until that very moment did it really sink in.   He was being fully sincere.  Despite what I guess some folks believe, gay people don't CHOOSE to be that way.    It was one of those Oprah moments.   Immediately my mind asked myself "Do I wish he weren't gay?".    A year ago, I'm sure I would have answered YES!  I wish he weren't gay. While I'd fully accepted who Garrett was and all that entailed, I think deep down I was still carrying a bit of sadness for him.  Sadness for all the years that he kept this secret.  Sadness for the stress and fear that I know this "secret" caused him growing up as he carried around.  I have so many regrets & I wish I would have been able to help carry that very heavy secret he lugged around during the most vulnerable times in his life.  I look back at his adolescence and realize now that he struggled with happiness, in no small part due to this secret.   I also had sadness for prejudices that I know he encounters in this world.  No mother wants their child to be thought less of or encounter hatred or bigotry of any kind.    I once had a friend tell me that their child growing up and revealing that they were gay was their GREATEST fear.   Really?   Greatest fear?  I mean...not them being a rapist, drug addict, murderer,  cheater, a bigot?    There are lots of bad things a person can be.  Being gay is NOT one of them.   But this attitude doesn't really surprise me.  There is much ignorance surrounding the gay culture and what it actually means to be gay.   Anyway...back to my "Aha" moment.     It wasn't until Garrett made that statement that I realized I'm actually HAPPY Garrett is EXACTLY the person he was born to be.   I wouldn't change one gay hair on his head!  For any of you who ever wondered or questioned whether a person is born gay, let me clear it up for you.   Garrett was BORN gay.  I raised 3 sons & I can promise you that Garrett was exactly who he is from the moment he drew his first breath.    I would NEVER try to push my belief system on anyone else.    Others are free to believe in any laws, rules, or sins they choose to.   But for me, I know that GOD has given me not only permission, but a clear DIRECTIV to LOVE my children, UNCONDITIONALLY.  To love my children exactly like He loves me.     Garrett has certainly taken the road less traveled and I, as his mother, have struggled at times because I can't remove all the bumps in that road.  But it's exactly those rough patches that have made him the man he is today.  That man is one of the bravest, strongest & most loving human beings I've had the privilege to know.    It's been my privilege to be his mom.     So I guess that makes me taking a road less traveled as well.   I'm the mom who is HAPPY that her son is gay &  HAPPY that he has the strength to live his life on purpose, and nobody is more surprised about it than me.